We are remembering Emma who we lost one year ago today. It is the last day of firsts, but the days haven’t gotten much easier with time. This is a post I have to write, the girls can’t do it for me. They are always there for me, and as I cry while typing this, they come by to see why I’m so sad. If only I could live in the moment like dogs do. I would give anything to give Ems another hug, or whisper something into her long furry ears. She was truly someone special. Today, I’m writing about the past year, and posting some photos taken in her last couple weeks here on this earth.
I think of her every single day, and many times a day. I cry every day, some days more than others. The guilt I feel is really tough. Maybe losing her was not my fault, but I feel responsible. There must have been something more I could have done, and nothing anyone says can change that feeling. I’ve never experienced a sudden loss like this, and I sure hope I never have to again. Even a few days notice would give me time to do some last things, but I had a couple minutes before she passed away in my arms. We had so many plans, and in an instant, it was all over. I’ve lost other dogs, and that makes me sad, but it’s nothing like losing my Emma.
Olivia is so precious, and she loves to snuggle and cuddle with me. I’m so grateful for her, but then I think if Emma was here I wouldn’t have Olivia. I’m greedy, and want both of them. Each of my girls is so special, but Emma was something else. She was so involved in me and my life. We understood each other so well, and went through so many things together. In a way it is like losing a human partner. Most of the things we shared I share with no one else. Our bond was on a whole different level.
Emma was very difficult, and made my life difficult a lot of the time, but I never minded it. She wanted to be the star of everything, be front and center. Her confidence and ego made it easy and hard to work with her. All I had to do was ask and she did whatever it was I requested. The girls do a lot for me, but they don’t read me like Emma did, and are not always willing to do exactly what I ask.
My mind replays the video of our last moments together so often. I remember telling her through my panic and tears that I couldn’t imagine my life without her, and she sees to it that she still is in my life. She has cropped up randomly in my life in big ways the entire past year. She keeps me from doing things on the blog like baking posts because I just can’t imagine another dog wearing her hats or aprons. Her hold on me is as strong as it ever was.
I love my sports road trips with my dogs, but the ones I took with just me and Emma were always extra special. For a couple days she had me all to herself. Sometimes she enjoyed having sisters, but she really preferred to be the queen and to stand alone. The way she would carry herself at her nose work trials as if the other dogs had no business being there always made me laugh. She was so very funny, but could also be a serious hound. Some of her serious moments made me laugh the most!
When I took the last photo of Emma, at the clinic, a year ago today, I remember thinking I would never be able to take another one, and that is so very hard. It is extremely hard to write this post about her without any new photos. She so adored modeling for the camera. I bought her this Halloween hat last October because it was totally Emma. Unfortunately, she only got to wear it this one time. Thank you for continuing to love my girls and our blog. We do love posting about our lives, even though it is hard sometimes. The biggest lesson I learned from losing Emma is to make sure and love every person and pet you have as much as you can because time is short, and you never know when it will end.